The Worst Christmas Party Ever

14th street is jam packed with people and personal space is clung to like a drowning victim's catch for air. Union Square? Forget about it. It's an unrelenting pillage of Starbucks Red Cups, mittens, rosy cheeks, breath in the air and shopping bags, from "Jingle Bells" to "Sleigh Bells." Yup the holiday threat level has reached red (and green.) The siege is upon us.

It was with great relief that at 7PM I'd be ducking into Nowhere Bar for the annual Worst Christmas Party Ever. Julio and his boys from Brooklyn host a party of unapologetic Christmas tackiness. The Worst Christmas Party Ever is a dress code of awful holiday sweaters and silly head-worn ornaments in an environment of horrendous holiday remixes and a white trash buffet.



I stepped into the bar to the beat of Mariah Carey's "All I want for Christmas" and found Julio wearing a Miss Claus dress and sticking bows onto people. I greeted him, kiss on the cheek and took a bow to stick onto my chest. I went up to the bar and ordered a beer and sipped it while taking inventory of the place. If you could imagine visiting your grandmother in a trailer-park retirement center then you have a pretty good idea of what the bar looked like. The sweaters were deplorable as was the the "blue-collar" punch of melted orange-sherbet and sprite. Vienna sausage (in the can) with American Cheese and nicely displayed strawberry pop-tart slices. There were a few guys wearing antlers and John was wearing a knitted frock, right off the senior citizens rack at the Salvation Army covered, of course, in twinkling Christmas lights, and if I'm not mistaken, an edible Christmas tree of celery and cherry tomatoes, but it wasn't until the Chipmunk's holiday classics played over the speakers that my lips cracked a smile and I said to myself, "This is the worst Christmas Party Ever..."

The party went from the afternoon well into the evening and by the time I checked out, the place was packed. One didn't even need drinks to have a good time. The laughter came naturally from the silly attitude and energy of everyone there. Tis the season!

Some recent study suggests gay men possess a higher degree of neotony. Neotony, according to dictionary.com is "the state resulting when juvenile characteristics are retained by the adults of a species." And, man, if this wasn't a case of that- I don't know what is! And thank God for it! This party was "awful"ly fun and it was a reprieve from every other holiday party of the season. This was truly a time to let your hair down and celebrate the holidays in the most honest yet tacky-traditional and nostalgic way possible.

On my way out I said to Christian, another host of the party, occasional Nowhere bartender and recent friend of mine, "Gosh Christian. This is the worst Christmas party ever!"
"I know," he said rolling his eyes, "isn't it fucking terrible?"