Monday, June 9, 2008

Food Poisoned!

For the past couple of months I have been tormented by these cupcakes at a local cafe/bakery. These cupcakes are the most gorgeous things you ever saw. Nice moist, sturdy looking cake with about two inches of thick creamy frosting on top with sprinkles or peanut butter cups or butterscotch. Every time I pass by this cafe the cupcakes scream at me to buy them. I stand there over the cases like a child at a pet store puppy display thinking if I should just say, "oh to hell with it!" I'll get one. But the summer is here and I know just half of those cupcakes will plague me with two full days of gym going and buyer's remorse. That is until, Saturday night when I said, "to hell with it" and got one.

I awoke Sunday morning around 6AM feeling as though the center of a cyclone was in the right side of my stomach. Strange because I took it easy on Saturday night and didn't have anything to drink. I rolled side to side trying to see if the cyclone was just a thing or the way I happened to be sleeping but rolling back and forth only made me feel worse. And then it hit me, "yup, I'm going to hurl!"

I sprinted my way to the bathroom and crouched down on my knees just in time for last night's dinner and cupcake to chunk it's way up my esophagus and out into the toilet bowl. I let out a few good heaves, just enough to see what hasn't been fully digested since the previous night and let my body catch a few breathes. Heavy sweat began dripping out of my brow and I held my forehead against the cool ceramic sink. I felt better, temporarily. I checked and double checked whether or not I had anything to drink the night before. Nope, clear. I guess it's just a thing. I went back to my bedroom, crashed and didn't wake until 10AM.

10AM: The nausea was unbearable. I knew the slightest move was going to cause another horrific upchuck. I clenched my teeth and in a fast movement swung my legs over the side of the bed. I didn't even have time for a catch-up breath for the puke-express was already ahead of schedule. I mad-dashed to the bathroom once again and spewed forth whatever was left of last night's dinner. Oooh! Onions and broccoli! Oh! And there are those sprinkles! I took a slight whiff for two reasons. 1) taking a whiff of your own puke enables your body to get re-sick enough that you just puke out what's waiting to happen in the next 10 minutes and 2) I like to do things that judge my own personal strength. I asked myself, "can you do it? Can you really do it? Come on, do it! Sniff it! Sniff your own puke!" And I did, and it worked, yeah I know it's a little 2girls1cup of me but I was again, temporarily, relieved.

11:30AM: Eric, The Roommate gets up and I meet him in the kitchen. "Dude, what's up?" "Oh man, I don't know. I think I got food poisoning last night." "Was it the cupcake," he asked? And then it dawned on me- the cupcake did taste a bit strange but I figured it was all the butter and then as soon as that thought streamed across my mind, the cyclone in my belly erupted and there I was again crouched over the toilet bowl, spewing forth the only thing my stomach had left in it- bile and dry heaves. This time it hurt but then I kinda shrugged thinking, "well hey, at least my abs will look good for the rest of the week!" It's strange how, in the midst of puking, I discover how truly shallow I am. Eric, The Roommate (bless his heart) ran out and got me Red Gatorade and Pepto Bismol, neither of which stayed down.
"Maybe it's a stomach virus," he said.
"Maybe YOU'RE a stomach virus," I responded in a half joking/half over-it retort. And with that Eric, The Roommate picked up his dirty laundry, some overnight clothes and headed down to his parent's beach house in Long Beach Island, New Jersey.

So there I was, left alone in my small apartment with nothing but my puke and my BO to keep me company. The rest of the day was spent in foggy haze between sleeping and drinking ginger ale, sleeping and drinking ginger ale. I felt as though I gave my body sufficient rest and by the time I awoke from my third nap around 9:30PM I was well enough to watch a few episodes of The Office and I finally crashed into deep slumber around 11:30.

Today was much better. I took the day off from work as I am not 100% just yet but I should be ripe and ready to go by tomorrow. There is a silver lining to all of this though. After all is said and done, after the amount of crouching and hurls and toilet bowl flushings, I suppose I'll never be tormented by those damn cupcakes again!


Serg said...

Where'd you get these cupcakes? I'm interested in picking some up, since I'm just one major hurl session away from my goal wait.

Romothehomo said...

Ummm... that part with the B.O. Kinda hot. I'd like to smell your B.O.

bigislandjeepguy said...

hope you are feeling better. i hate barfing more than...well, anything. not that anyone really *likes* it, but i will do anything to avoid it. good thing you did not require a trip to the ER with the food poisoning.

Dennis said...

Aw. Glad you're feeling better. I got food poisoning twice by eating fish at restaurants so I dno't each fish when I eat out anymore. I couldn't imagine giving up cupcakes, though.

Anonymous said...

No diarrhea, too? Amateur.

the zak said...

Salmonella in the news

Boomer said...

Well since we went "there"...I agree with bstewart23...with the degree of difficulty you describe your hurl might score an 8 at best from the esteemed panel of puke judges. To rachet up that degree of difficulty a bit, next time...and this will get you to your goal weight in no time...try the tricky "sitting on the toilet with the squirts whilst puking into a bucket (or the sink if you can manage it). The judges will stand up and cheer!

Greg said...

I certainly hope that you're feeling better. And don't consider yourself shallow because of the abs remark. You may have stumbled onto a gold mine opportunity in this weight-obsessed society: eat cupcakes AND lose weight!!!

Turtlelove 181 said...

Poor puppy :( I'm Glad to hear that you are feeling better too

evilganome said...

Thank you for saving me from myself. Some evil bastard opened a cupcake emporium on my way home from work. Every day I walk by and have to avert my eyes. Now, I will simply view then as ipecac with buttercream icing.

(On the other hand, I am trying to drop 7 lbs.)

RG said...

You poor thing! But you are correct - your abs are going to look fabulous. I'm glad you're feeling better.

David said...

I judged my own personal strength by continuing to eat my lunch while reading this post.

Puking is very slimming. Now you're ready for the beach! And you got to eat cupcakes to boot. (Heh, I said boot).

the zak said...

Philip Tierno, Director
NYU Medical Center Clinical Microbiology

Anonymous said...

Are you sure you weren't having a gall bladder attack? Symptoms sound the same. If you normally eat pretty healthy with little fat intake, a fatty cupcake could have put your gall bladder over the edge. The pain is horrible with gall bladder attacks...been there, done that. Either way, you're surely cured of wanting another cupcake!

k.d. f/x said...

Just had a nasty flashback from last november ; a 6 weeks long case of labyrinthitis.

Woke up one morning had breakfast ; then I couldn't keep anything down for weeks.

Hope everything is better...


Kevin Roddy said...


Wow - you are a gifted writer!

You march right over to that cupcake place and tell them about it.

Maybe no one else has complained, and they'll be selling those deadly little suckers until they're all gone.

Or maybe a lot of people have complained and they'll be gone, replaced with a newer generation of fat-globbed brothers and sisters.

If you can determine what made you sick, if you can, you need to tell the food preparers.

Now, child, I KNOW you won't be tempted to buy one - I would be afraid you might gag on the way in to the counter tho, which would be a testament to the bakery owners themselves :o)

take care, bud... aloha.

ewe said...

i almost puked when you mentioned two girls and a cup. Yuchlk. I had just about forgot all of that.

Marker said...

I'm very late here but just want to extend my food poisoning condolences to you.

My 3 food poisoning experiences haunt me to this day. The. Worst. It's amazing how worn out you are from the experience for at least 24 hours after the puking/shits are done.

2girls1cup - HA!