Thursday, December 31, 2009


Ten years ago I was spun out, dancing wildly in patchwork pants and waiting for the sun to come up over the Everglades of Florida at Phish Millennium. I hadn't been with a guy yet, certainly no beard and clenched, as everyone else did, under the suspense of Y2K.

It's been ten years. Ten years and I feel like I've lived three life times by now. Ten years of life, adventure, experience, regrets, mistakes, men, sex, parties, dates, relationships, single life, bars, states, countries, cities, money, no money, gym, lift, fat, skinny, healthy, sick, angry, happy. So much can happen in ten years. Had you grabbed me by my hemp necklace then and told me all I'd experience by now, I'd have laughed in your face (and then probably offered you a brownie.)

I'll be 38 on December 31st 2019 and I have no ability to predict what will happen between now and then. I'll be a man. A full grown man. The point of no return so far from visibility. A distant memory of the days that were. A buoy in a fog so excruciatingly dense. The thought alone makes me eager and terrified. Life just keeps pushing forward. There's no stopping it - you just have to go along for the ride.

In ten years I went from young to younger to man. The full scale of my blind evolution so blatantly clear now in hindsight. My heart splits at the vision. I grasp at the ghosts of that child but as much as I may try, I will never hold that boy again. He's gone, now molded into what you have before you. Oh young man, from where have you come and where will you go? Forward, the only direction, the past, stones on which we walk.

Life is so fragile. So wretchedly fragile and in 100 years we'll all be dust. Is it not this fact alone that is this planet's greatest invitation for us to live our lives? To be the man we want to become? To live as freely or as wildly or as sane as we'd like? This Earth will keep turning, and turning, and turning, with or without us. We are a speck in a broad stroke of history. A tiny, worthless crumb on the table of time and when the time comes, and it will indeed come, we will be bones in the ground or ashes to the sky and yet this Earth will still turn and turn and turn. So live as you live and accept this next decade with an open chest. Allow light to beam through you offering whatever it may be. Be open, for anything else would be a simple, silly waste of time. These years are blurred at best. A flimsy, horse-haired bow of an arch between then and now, and now and then. The future so weighed down by tangibility yet light and translucent like the very air we breathe. We know it exists but we just can't see it!

So strong this younger self I shed, each passing day, each step erasing the previous. Five steps now, ten and I'm ancient.


ScottInTheDesert said...

happy birthday eric!

Unknown said...

I always enjoy your posts.
If u live and pay attention, growth is possible.
Decide who you are and do everything in your power to be that.Sounds like you have learned to love yourself.
Happy nu year.
power to the people and all the hippie shit.
mark hester florida usa

Unknown said...

Glad to have you in this lifetime.


rptrcub said...

Happy new year, bud. It's hard to believe we are the persons we are when looking back over 10 years. Hopefully for the wiser :)

Mike said...

Happy Belated Birthday -and- Happy New Year!

Don't be in a hurry to get old, it happens fast enough on its own. Time is a bitch.

dpaste said...

Does "spun out" mean your were drunk or high or something? I can't keep up with the youth slang.

Spouse Walker said...

You will always be young if you have love in your heart. It may sound cheesy but it's oh so true.

dzinerbear said...

First time reader here. Very nicely put; I really enjoyed this piece. It's a nice reminder for me to focus on what's important in my life instead of all the stuff I have to do.


Unknown said...

a) Happy Birthday. b) gorgeously written. c) in fact, you've inspired some song lyrics. Happy 2010.