Guest Post: Nick Rice

I met Nick Rice after a Reading for Filth at the now deceased Rapture Cafe sometime last winter. Nick, who is in his early twenties, introduced himself to me that he had found my blog and liked what he saw. Since then we've become friends, shared dance floors together and seen one another out at rallies and meetings. As I'm out of town for work I offered him a guest post here on KnuckleCrack. Here is what Nick Rice has to say:

I was a queer boy in middle school in the late 90's. Fearful of my classmate's judgment and ridicule, I was a loner only able to open up with a few close friends. I insulated myself from other kids with standoffishness and silence. Without invitations to the movies or to backyard pools, I cloistered myself between the dusty and quiet stacks of the local library. I found my escape, my hideaway. Being fortunate enough to grow up in a town with a massive and well stocked library, I spent years reading my way through the art and architecture shelves. Eventually, just like millions of queer kids before me, body shaking and tingling with adrenaline, I made my first furtive trips to the HQ 75-76.8 section, Homosexuality and Lesbianism. Somehow I was convinced the H stood for Homosexual and that anyone passing by would know exactly why I was there. If someone walked down the aisle, Now That You Know would be right back on the shelf and I'd be intensely scanning HQ755.7-759.92, Parents, Parenthood. Of course, no one ever gave me a second glance, it was all just my expansive paranoia.

I discovered Alfred Kinsey, Edmund White, Paul Monette and yards upon yards of gay fiction. I ate it up. It was my indulgence and my refuge. Soon after, I came upon this book: I Have More Fun With You Than Anybody. It is the memoir of two men in the 1970's, living as a couple together in the bloom of an open, ground-breaking and unapologetic queer social world. Having no contact with any queer people, 13 year old me was shocked and amazed to learn that a decade before my birth, gay men were already out in society, going about their lives like anyone else. I was fascinated (and a little bit scandalized) by the honest discussions of the sexual culture of that era and determined to learn as much as I could about queer society, past and present. With these books as my sole connection to anything queer, I also read as a way to feel connected to other queer people and to internalize positive explanations of all the feelings that were welling within me. I continued this reading in high school, past my coming out at 16 and on through college in rural Maine (where I discovered a whole new college library with an ample HQ section and numerous documentaries like "Word is Out" and "The Times of Harvey Milk" (Sally M. Gearhart!)) .

By college, my insecurity had given way to pride and an overwhelming sense of good fortune at having turned out queer. My daily reading led me to John Rechy, Robert Mapplethorpe, Vito Russo, Larry Kramer, Randy Shilts, Harry Hay, Fred Halstead, Andrew Holleran and George Chauncey. Because I was learning about queer culture through books, as opposed to experiencing it myself (again, I was in rural Maine), I was most often learning about queer social worlds from past decades that no longer existed. I was reaching back into the 50's, 60's, 70's, 80's and 90's for the queer positive messages I needed in order to overcome all the shame and fear I absorbed as a child. Through this process I gained an enormous measure of respect and admiration for the queer people of earlier generations who had been fighting for my rights ever since I was an infant and even before my parents were born.

After I graduated from college, I unexpectedly landed in New York, the setting for so much of what I'd read about for a decade. Walking through the streets of the Village, slowly down Christopher, and out onto the piers was and continues to be an electric experience for. Passing the teenagers in Hudson River Park, vogueing and reading their competitors, I can't help but think back to the images of the piers as they were in "Gay Sex in the 70's". After reading "Dancer from the Dance" , "And the Band Played on" and "Faggots" I wandered neighborhoods filled with fashionably dressed young, straight people to find the Mineshaft, the Paradise Garage, Keller's, the Ramrod, the International Stud, the Anvil, Flamingo, the 10^th Floor, Badlands. I searched online for addresses decades out of date and bought old gay travel guides on eBay. To stand in storied spaces that for so many years previous I could only imagine was both thrilling and bittersweet. I felt awed to be in a place that was the site of so much change and exuberance in the 70's, and then in the 80's comprised an epicenter of grief and activism in the first era of the AIDS crisis. These spaces once contained the vibrating, pulsing, ever-innovative culture of the generations to which I owe what freedom I enjoy. I was searching for a vanished world, and simultaneously felt so much connection and distance as I walked alone through its shell. For me, the Village is suffused with a nostalgia for things I never saw and people I'll never know, but which continue to impact my life today.

The internet has supplemented much of the information that I couldn't find on paper or in the physical landscape of the Village. It serves as a repository for so many memories which are not my own but which help me to understand the world that paved the way for my generation of queer people. However, offline I am pained to find the remnants of this past so few and scattered. In New York I have been privileged to get to know many queer people who belong to those generations I feel so fascinated by and indebted to, but their ranks are sparse. As time progresses there will be less of them to pass on the knowledge of what queer life was like in their youth. How is their cultural memory being preserved? Who is out there with stories to relate that my generation might learn from? What material pieces of that world remain hidden, in boxes and closets, waiting to be dusted off for us to appreciate? I feel so fortunate to be in a city where I can find so much queer history, but I am sure there is so much more out there, untapped. I would be very happy if other people felt the same. Do you have words or images with which to illuminate a queer reality, distant in time?

Ali Forney Center: Needs Your Support, Executive Director Still Hot

The Ali Forney Center, a non profit organization offering housing, food, shelter and work training programs to homeless or kicked out GLBT youth, had their 5th annual holiday fundraiser last night in the Meat Packing district.

The scene was festive and the mood merry but all attendees were there to pay homage and make contributions to The Ali Forney Center which definitely needs more support and funding from people like YOU in the community.

Currently the Ali Forney Center sleeps 48 GLBT youth a night and their drop-in center receives up to 300 youngersters a month. Unfortunately, there is just not enough room for everyone and this is why the center needs more support.

Carl Siciliano, the jaw droppingly handsome Executive Director of The Ali Forney center hopes that with new funding they will be able to open up a center with 12 new beds in Astoria, Queens within 2009.

Siciliano stressed that with economy the way it is, city funding is slow and lacking regarding the center and they truly need the support from men and women in the community to pull through for them. He offered suggestions such as making contributions to the center in friends' names opposed to buying gifts, and using the idea of the holidays or holiday money as a reason to donate to the center.

In his speech, Siciliano made the point that we as a community say "Come out, come out, come out," and often times these youths do just that and unfortunately soon find themselves on the streets. We need the community to understand this and lend a helping hand to these youths and The Ali Forney Center.

To find out how you can help and to donate money click here.

Better Know a Contributor

I'm a contributing writer over at The Bilerico Project and every week the gorgeous Serena Freewomyn does a feature called, "Better Know a Contributor." This week the Russian-Roulette gun of better know a contributor fell upon me and here is what I was asked and what I had to say. It's also on TBP:

This week we're spotlighting one of our more outspoken contributors, Eric Leven. Eric is one of a new generation of gay men using new media to agitate, educate and organize. He is, in the words of Joe Jervis, creator of the massively popular blog Joe.My.God., "one of the brightest stars of young gay activism in NYC." By day Eric works as a story producer for reality and documentary programs. On nights and weekends he blogs, writes and films with the goal of empowering gay men and creating a greater sense of community unity. He is creator of the blog KnuckleCrack.

1. How did you get involved with TBP?
I got involved with TBP when Bil Browning contacted me after a Safe Sex PSA I wrote, produced and directed hit the gay bloggosphere and was considered "controversial." I had already begun writing my blog, KnuckleCrack, which began as a journal during a brief time of unemployment but quickly evolved into my passions toward gay history, gay empowerment, safe sex, HIV/AIDS, equal rights and random anecdotes about being a twenty-something unapologetically gay hairy-man chasing New Yorker. Bil Browning welcomed me aboard. Michael Crawford slapped me a blogger-to-blogger high-five and I've been happy to be here since!

2. What was your coming out experience like?
My coming out experience may or may not have been much like any other upper-middle class suburban teenage Jew from New Jersey's: Tumultuous. Same-sex attraction or being gay was nothing I wanted nor wanted to be a part of. I was 14 and 15 years old realizing I was gay and stressed out to the point of a mouth pock-marked with canker sores, a mind full of unbearable depression and fantasies of suicide. Often times I'd come home from school, slam the door shut and beg my mind or god for a change of mindset through a face streaming with tears. Being gay, or the fate of being gay, was the first thought that left my mind as I drifted off to sleep and the first thought that visited me when I opened my eyes in the morning. The walls of my High School were finite and inescapable and I was already dealing with the Italian kids calling me "faggot" for no other reason than being short. Coming out was not a foreseeable option. It was the same story at home. Even though my parents are proud, creative, supportive free-thinking liberal democrats I was in no way prepared to bare the secret I so desperately clutched inside my thunder storming head. I had no want for them to carry the weight of my troubles. Not at least until I was out of their house and on my own feet.

Of course, though, this all happened during the emerging household use of a dial-up modem and what I think was AOL version 2 or 3.0. My parents both worked and every day after school I had at least an hour or an hour and a half to myself where I'd creep downstairs, flick on the computer and through shaking hands and a dry mouth look at pictures of naked men, masturbate and turn off the computer no sooner than my mind turned on a ravenous sense of guilt. Yet, after awhile, this practice became a routine, and the more I searched, the less guilty I felt. Through the computer screen and the dreadfully slow dial-up Internet I would learn that gay is anything from lithe, smooth and young to older, burly and hairy. I would learn that gay is anything from men who wear dresses to men who wear leather and absolutely everything in between. Somewhere within it all I soon found a sense of identity and what I now know of today as Pride. My confidence rebuilt itself around the idea and the fact that I wasn't alone and there were thousands like me. After the 10 or 15 minute uploads, I would look at pictures of men kissing, holding each other, having sex with one another or just simply cuddling with one another and it boggled my mind that two men, so obvious in their manhood could be so confident in their liking of one another and I thought that I, too, could be just like this. And so the days would follow as would the routine. Teachers, desks, teenagers, gym class, the sound of locker doors slamming, a 3 o'clock bell, a bus ride home and running downstairs to investigate my feelings. Sooner than later the daily torments ended, my mouth stopped being a canker sore mine field and I resigned to myself that I might be gay but that I would wait until I was in college, some place where I could be away from it all and take my time, my own time, to make my own decisions, without the pressure of others, and finally make advancements toward a life which drove a truth through my brain sharper and heavier than any hard metal railroad spike.

By winter break of my Freshman year of college I told my best straight friends as a group that I was gay. Their first reaction, God bless 'em was, "Why did you wait so long? Who did you think we were? We're your friends."

That summer I began telling my family.

And by 27, I've told everyone.

3. You seem to be very passionate about advocating for queer youth. What drives your advocacy?
See above.

4. What is your favorite part of living in New York?
Often times New Yorkers kind of forget that they live in New York, yet to live in New York is often the single reason many people move to New York! Everything! Being in the heart of it all! Intellectualism, inspiration around every corner. The endless opportunity for adventure, experiences, the what-happens-when, a feeling of connectivity, a sense of community, double-dutch jump roping concrete summers and hands-stuffed-in-pockets thick jacketed winters with hot coffee and brisk walks to destinations. Lights, towers, elevators, escalators, sidewalks, subways, cabs, parks, bars, clubs, people, people in your way, people in a rush, people without homes, people with millions, cafes, restaurants, delis, bodegas, vegan, vegetarian, veggie-light, burger joints, 5 star steakhouses and pizza at 4:30AM!

Geez, you know, I can type all that and yet even still, just 2 years after being a permanent New York resident I find comfort in "laying low" and not going out sometimes during the weekend. ;)

5. What are your favorite holiday traditions?
Ha! Reminding people that not everyone celebrates Christmas and having holiday break off from work and traveling. Definitely, dancing until the sun comes up on New Years Day.

6. During this holiday season, what are you most thankful for?
I always say the same three things: Hot water, shoes, and a wildly supportive family of parents, siblings and friends.

What We've Already Lost

A few years ago unsafe sex was called "unsafe sex." But now, with the emergence of the vastly popular Xtube and the heightened popularity of production companies like Treasure Island Media who make all-bare-all-the-time porn movies "unsafe sex" is now almost exclusively referred to as "bareback." No longer are people having unsafe sex, people now are having bareback sex.

Unsafe sex had an important context to the term itself. "Un" and "safe" as in, "not safe" or the sex that you're having is "unsafe." In my experience, in what seems like no more than two years, I've seen the rapid transformation from unsafe to bareback. Of course, this worries me.

Bareback has no connotations referring to unsafe or risky behavior. Despite the fact that bareback sex is defined as sex with no condoms, the word bareback shows no reflection of this. One might argue, "duh, the word bare is in it!" But bare is nowhere near as hard-hitting and exact as unsafe. In addition, the word bareback has inevitably gained a cultural fetish. Unsafe sex used to be just that, unsafe sex, but now bareback has become a type of gay sex. It's neither here nor there, rather it has become a way of having sex and thus the safe sex movement has already, with a rapid subtlety lost so much.

In our history there were two ways to have sex. Either safe or unsafe. But now there's bareback and it's a new way for gay men to have sex. It's almost as if bareback has created a third category. There is safe and unsafe and now bareback. In previous posts I made the distinction between those who occasionally engage in individual experiences of unsafe sex as people who have unsafe sex, and those who top or bottom, with no condoms whatsoever, as barebackers. But the line that differentiates the two is blurring and bareback is taking a strident lead.

It's gone from "we didn't have safe sex" to "we had bareback sex." Troubling? I thinks so.

The cultural fetishization of bareback asks the modern gay man to waver between what he knows is right and challenges him to tickle the idea of what is wrong. Bareback is successful in its allure. Like taking candy from a stranger, the idea of bareback causes us to tempt the idea of doing something we know is bad or wrong and to enjoy it in the against-the-grain notion of it all. If you don't agree with me then have a glance at some of the titles on the porn shelves. "Bad Influence," "Fearless," "Deeper," and "What I Can't See." All of these titles rather explicitly ask you to cross the line and even, I'll take it further, call those who have safe sex fearful, if not boring and clinical. These companies and films use our own protective nature as an enemy agent against ourselves.

Something is happening in our community and we're losing ground. Think about it - when was the last time you heard the word unsafe compared to the last time you heard the word bareback? Go on to Xtube, bareback is inescapable and the popularity, wild. I've seen comments like "fuck the condom queens" and in a film where an older top is banging away at a young bottom, "breed his ass." It's one thing if two young guys are having unsafe sex with each other, that is at least, in my opinion somewhat excusable but an older man, unsafely topping a younger man, is just sad. These men have the opportunity of mentoring the younger generation and protecting them. Instead its become the complete opposite. We are now celebrating the disregard for safety and welcoming in a fresh new batch of unhealthy recruits. Granted, 18 makes one an adult, but put it this way: Say an 18 year old gets a tattoo. When the 18 year old becomes a 22 year old, does that tattoo still mean what it meant to him at 18? Therefore, the decisions of an 18, 19, 20 and so-on year old would not be the same at 25, 30 or 35. Should these young men get HIV because at 18 they made a few foolish mistakes and let themselves trust the actions of an older man?

What has happened and why have we given up? When did protecting and caring for one another become this "I don't give a fuck who you are or what you do - go fuck yourself" laissez fair attitude?

It is dangerous for somebody like me to write this post because if there is anything I support it is freedom of speech and freedom of expression. In no way do I advocate censorship, which in this case, I could be easily mistaken for doing so. But I stand firm in the belief that HIV and sexually transmitted diseases would still be around if every porn, ever made had condom usage in it. The fact remains that people are going to do what they're going to do and there's nothing you can do about it other than try to influence people to make the right choices for themselves. People can argue all they want that bareback porn is the same as watching a violent movie. It will always come back to the idea that: Just because I watch a violent movie doesn't cause me to kill people just like watching bareback porn will not cause me to engage in risky behavior. Let's go even further and say that in some cases having bareback porn would prevent people from engaging in unsafe sex because they get their fill of the idea by just watching the films. Understandable, for sure. But be aware, my brothers, for this industry is not unlike Hollywood. They like your money and don't give a fuck about you. Don't come crying to them when shit hits the fan - in the end, YOU'RE the one who makes the decision and they will never be to blame. That's a key factor to their adamant, unapologetic success.

Protease inhibitors have only been around for 12 years. It has only been 12 years that gay men have been living healthy with HIV. Why are we so myopic to think things will follow suit? Who is to say things will not change? And, if things stay the same, why aren't we preparing the next generation? Are we really that tired? Are we really that over it? Have the pros and cons really become the same thing?

It's like all the sudden everyone got healthy and bam! we're living in a new world. Really, it's quite the contrary. Nothing has changed. The infection rates are still relatively the same and HIV still exists. The only difference is we have lost the idea of unsafe and we are embracing the idea of bareback. So, you tell me, with what we've already lost - how bright is our future?

The Play about Henry

On the morning of February 25, 2000 a young man named Henry Stuart Matis drove to the Mormon Ward House in Los Altos, CA, placed a gun to his head and ended his life. This is his story.

Missa Solemnis or The Play about Henry is written by my friend Roman Feeser. He asked that I shoot and edit this teaser-trailer for his play opening on October 30th.

Interview Sessions: Alfredo

I met Alfredo at The Hanger one Sunday afternoon while sipping on a Bloody Mary.

Alfredo is a 51 year old Black Cuban living with HIV. This is what he has to say:

Comprehensive Safe Sex Education and No Second Guessing Sex

This post is in regard to the CDC's latest reporting of HIV infection in America:

In America the black male/female community is hit hardest, with young gay black men (13-29) in the eye of the hurricane. White gay/bisexual men account for half of all gay related HIV infection rate but it's not amongst the young guys, it's men in their 30's and 40's.

It shows 53 percent of the estimated 56,000 cases of new HIV infection in 2006 were among gay and bisexual men, and 46 percent of the infections occurred among blacks. Within the gay and bisexual group, young black men (13 to 29 years old ) were roughly twice as likely to get infected as young white and young Hispanic men. And among women, black women were almost 15 times more likely to get HIV than white women and almost four times more likely than Hispanic women.

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"First, the number of new HIV infections among young black [gay and bisexual men] is alarming and shows the need to reach each new generation with prevention early in their lives. Second, the heavy impact of HIV infection in white [gay and bisexual men] in older age groups demonstrates the need for ongoing efforts to keep gay and bisexual men HIV-free over the course of their lifetime. A third finding: compared to women of all races, black women bear the heaviest burden of HIV," Fenton said.

The higher rate of new HIV infections among young gay black men and black women comes as no surprise to Phill Wilson, the CEO and founder of Black AIDS Institute, a think-tank based in Los Angeles, California. "Basically, it affirms what we have known for a long time and what we have been telling the CDC for a very long time," Wilson said."AIDS in America continues to be a black disease as manifested by the numbers," Wilson said. "We have an epidemic that is 40 percent worse than we thought, and African-Americans are grossly disproportionately impacted. Particularly black women and young black gay men."

The CDC study didn't examine the specific factors that account for the heavy burden of HIV among young black gay men, but the CDC has theories.

"Other data suggest a range of possible factors," said Richard Wolitski, acting director, Division of HIV/AIDS Prevention at CDC.

"They include stigma, lack of access to effective HIV prevention services and underestimation of personal risk. In addition, many younger men have not personally experienced the severity of the early AIDS epidemic."

Wolitski said differences in the frequency of high-risk sexual behavior and substance use do not account for this disparity.

White gay and bisexual men account for close to half, or 46 percent, of HIV incidence among gay and bisexual men, but the majority of new infections occurred in men in their 30s, followed by men in the 40s, the CDC found.

"A range of factors likely contribute to continued transmission in these age groups," said Wolitski, noting the marked difference in age at the time of infection in the different racial groups. "They include the difficulty of consistently maintaining safer behaviors for many years or even decades, as well as homophobia, substance abuse and higher HIV prevalence within this group"

So, there it is: For minority populations it's stigma, lack of effective HIV prevention services and underestimating personal risk and for 30's/40's Whites, it's difficulty maintaining safe sex over years or decades, homophobia, substance abuse and higher HIV rates within the demographic.

In addressing the youth, comprehensive safe sex education and sexual communication is a dire necessity. Did you hear that Mrs. Sarah Palin, Mr. McCain and the Red wallet-sitters, who care more about their stash than the rest of the world? Believe me, Jesus would want to stop an epidemic, especially if it were affecting young people.

If 13 year olds are becoming infected then obviously 13 year olds are having sex. We need to talk about sex as openly and honestly as possible. This isn't going to encourage people to have sex, it will protect them from the consequences of sex. Comprehensive safe sex education can absolutely include the idea of teaching and encouraging young people to wait until they feel they are ready, to keep themselves from succumbing to peer pressure, to teach them that having sex is their decision, but they must know the risks and consequences associated with sex so they do not enter the sexual world totally blind. Safe Sex education and communication needs to happen now.

Addressing the adults:
We've all heard it before, but, okay, I'll say it again. The burden and hope is on all of us! This is our lives, men! Black, White, Hispanic, Asian, Young, Old, Top, Bottom, Bisexual, Married, The Just Curious and The Just Something I Tried in College- this is all of our problem and our responsibility. Wake up men!

Why are we allowing this to happen? Even if we understand and know the pleasures of not wearing condoms why aren't we going the extra length to protect our partners and our community? Why have we, the older and more knowledgeable, let slide the idea of protecting one another? Why aren't we celebrating safe sex and celebrating protection of one another? We're all brothers here and yes I know that sounds cliched and roll-of-the-eye Kumbayah but it's true.

Trust me, I've been around the block a few ton of times. Make no mistake. I am no man, glowing in gold, who has never slipped up or made a mistake or felt the sheer weight of in-the-moment sexual gravity- I have, I've been there. Oh god, I've been there! But after a scare or two, the nervous/anxious 3 to 6 month visits to the testing clinic and all the stories of all my older friend's dead friends and lovers - I made a decision to have, what I call, No Second Guessing sex- and what this means is that with every sexual circumstance I involve myself in I do everything to protect myself and my partner, so therefore, when all is said and done, I am not left second guessing myself or my actions. I communicate and I communicate with my partner. This is who I am. This is what I enjoy doing. Let's turn the lights ON!

Having No Second Guessing Sex goes so far above and beyond the "it's annoying to wear a condom- I can't perform if I'm wearing a condom" and elevates safe sex to an unbelievable degree. Imagine how good you'll feel, even after cumming, when you can say to yourself "That sex was so good because I know I've done everything in my power to be as safe and responsible as possible. And even if something does happen, even if there was some kind of fluke, at least I know I've tried EVERYTHING in my power to make the right choice and be as responsible for myself and my partner." Even if you had a horrible experience and you say to yourself, "Oh man, dude... that was a terrible lay," you can still say "Hey, at least he and I were safe. At least I don't have to second guess myself."

Develop, practice and enjoy No Second Guessing Sex because that, ladies and gentlemen, tops and bottoms, is the best, most absolute, most blissful sex there is.

The World Ends at Bedford Avenue

A lacerating expose on "Hipster."

Womyn Born Womyn

Right now my best friend and 1st cousin Randee Riot is at her all-time favorite event, The annual Michigan Womyn's Music Festival, otherwise known as Fest or Michfest.

According to the Michigan's Womyn Festival Wikipedia page the festival was set up as:

...a response to misogyny, sexism and homophobia,^{[citation needed]} MWMF was created in 1976 by 19-year-old Lisa Vogel, her sister Kristie, and Mary Kindig, the We Want the Music Collective. All three were working-class women from Michigan who had seen female musicians and stagehands demeaned and repeatedly harassed at festivals and venues run by men.

MWMF created (and continues to create) a feminist alternative, and a niche for lesbians in the music scene. It continues to create an annual place for living out lesbian feminist politics. Many queer women feel safe and "at home" at Michigan, with the result that lesbian-identified women are among the 3,000-10,000 women who attend each year.

Randee continually stresses the enjoyment of being surrounded by a space that is only filled with women. All women, all week. She often talks about the sense of undeniable "sisterhood" that develops throughout the week and how liberating it is to walk the land topless in a women-only society. In fact, it is one of the only places, if not the ONLY place where a woman can walk naked within a women-only environment.

However, the Michigan Womyn's Music Festival has been under criticism for a number of years due to the founder's "Womyn-born-womyn" policy. Here's some background on that:

Since its inception, "the Michigan Festival...always has been an event for women, and this continues to be defined as womyn born womyn" (Lisa Vogel & Barbara Price). This policy has gained notoriety for the festival, as it officially requests that the attendees be "womyn-born-womyn" (WBW) only. That is, those who were born and raised as girls, and currently identify as women. MWMF is one of only a few women's festivals with a WBW policy.

In 1991 Nancy Burkholder, who had attended the festival the year before without incident, was expelled from MWMF when she disclosed her transsexual status to festival workers who, in turn, informed the festival office. Burkholder was asked to leave the festival and received a full refund of her ticket. Festival organizers continued to advocate their support of the women-born-women policy even as criticism from some segments of the queer community mounted in response to Burkholder's departure.

Supporters of the policy believe that the particularity of WBW experience (separate and apart from a woman's experience) comes from being born and raised in a female body, and see the festival as a celebration of that experience, under the oppression of patriarchy. Many attendees and workers remark on feelings of liberation they experienced while within the WBW-only environment of the festival: from a feeling of safety at being able to walk in the dark without fear, to a deep and sometimes virgin acceptance of their bodies. Supporters of the policy feel that the experience of being WBW in a place that honors the bodies, brains and brawn of WBW (regardless of how they "fit" into mainstream culture), and rescripts the limiting experiences available for women and girls, is vital to unlearning a lifetime of internalized misogyny for both attendees and festival volunteers.

The festival has stated that it does not and will not perform "panty checks." Rather, it states that women must "self-monitor", and attend only if they can honestly state that they were born as a girl, lived as a girl, and presently identify as a woman.

I support and respect the right for the founders to make any decision they choose regarding the womyn born womyn policy, since it is their event, but this debate has me asking, "How does one define Transgenderism?"

In my personal opinion, if one feels as though he or she has been born into the

wrong body than that's enough to qualify as Trans, or the new, less technical term GenderQueer. Although The Womyn's Music Festival vows to not do any "

panty checks" it seems as though the inclusion of Transpeople to a festival like this would have to be all or nothing. Being pre-op, half-op or even post-operation male-to-female transgender simply cannot matter. Who is to say that being pre or post op makes one more or less of a woman? You simply can't.

With ENDA in the news and Transpeople becoming a louder and more visible community it is important that we are compassionate to the perspective and struggle of transfolk. I've often heard straight people ask, "but I just don't understand the whole gay thing." To that I respond, "It's not for you to understand. You're not gay." I do, however, expect compassion and respect.

I remember at a community forum not too long ago a Transman standing up and saying, "We do our activism everyday by merely being who we are and walking within society. We need you people, the community, to walk alongside us."

Creativeffectivity

Ad Council's new no holds barred PSAs on CyberBullying:

Trevor Project on CNN

Pat on the back to CNN for featuring this article on The Trevor Project. I have known about The Trevor Project for a few years now and really commend their efforts. It is a relief to know this is available for queer youth - true life savers.

I tried to prevent myself from saying this but what the hell: Keep this article in mind when the Churches and Right-Wingers talk about all the "saving" they do.

The transgendered woman on the other end of the line was threatening to kill herself by jumping off of a parking structure. The Trevor Helpline counselor who answered the phone worked to get the 24-year-old calm and immediately called police for help.

Exactly one month later, that same woman called the helpline back -- to thank them for saving her life.

Stories like these are the reason The Trevor Project operates its helpline, the only nationwide, around-the-clock crisis and suicide prevention number for gay and questioning youth. More than 500 volunteers are trained for 40 hours to run the bicoastal call centers.

"There's a high level of stress that youth face in the transition from youth to adulthood," Charles Robbins, executive director of The Trevor Project, said. "Add on top of that the challenges of sexual orientation or gender identity and we get 15,000 calls a year."

A 2005 Massachusetts Department of Education survey of 3,500 high school students, in partnership with the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, found almost 11 percent have seriously considered suicide. And that percentage is almost four times as high for 10 to 24-year-olds who identify themselves as gay, lesbian or bisexual.

"Because of the unfortunate stigma that still exists in the United States around homosexuality ... youth tend to hold back their feelings, don't disclose, live in denial or shame," Robbins said.

Every year The Trevor Project honors one individual who publicly works to reject that stigma and helps in the group's overall goal: to promote the acceptance of gay and questioning youth in society. This year's honoree, actor Alan Cumming, has been "unapologetic, and true to himself," Robbins said.

Despite the notion that it's seemingly "easier" to come out these days I can tell you that upon realizing that I myself might be gay I definitely entertained and fantasized the idea of ending my life. Realizing same-sex attraction while dealing with the myriad of other teen and high school angst ridden problems isn't an easy thing to handle. I still remember those days and I'm glad they're far behind me.

Welcome to the Gayborhood

I probably would have posted this sooner if I didn't still have AOL mail and its wonky and peculiar spam filter. Stupid AOL. Stupid Emails. (I know, I know, ok? I plan to do the Gmail conversion as soon as I can figure out how to get all my email contacts over to Gmail without losing any... Pointers?)

With that said: Welcome to the Gayborhood!

Gayborhood.tv is a new web-based media platform that is all LGBT all the time. From webisodes, to comedy, to man-on-the-street interviews to documentary, Gayborhood.tv is filled with all the Queer material mainstream media would never allow us.

I wasn't asked to pimp gayborhood.tv but after seeing their man-on-the-street interviews called "The Box" which comes with the tagline of: "Get on THE BOX and SPEAK YOUR MIND! Our cameras go to LGBT festivals, events, and hot spots around the country providing a "soapbox" for anyone and everyone to talk about what's on their minds," how could I resist?!

here's a bit from the Gayborhood itself:

At Gayborhood.tv we see no reason why LGBT programming should be limited to what comes out of our TV sets. So we got together and created a place where people can watch shows about life in our communities — shows that are reflections of ourselves — on a website that highlights each and every colorful shade of our diverse rainbow. The people who work here are our LGBT brothers and sisters, our straight allies, and just darn good friends. They’re always busy creating super fun original web series that everyone can enjoy.

But wait there’s more! Part of the site — called LGBTube — has been set aside for user–generated content. Gayborhood users can upload, view, share and post their own video clips — because at Gayborhood.tv it's all about new ideas, new perspectives, and new information.

Ok, so I know that write up above sounds a little "gay" but seriously watch the link below. It's quite compelling.
Link to gayborhood.tv's the box

Anybody over there want to hire me for some field producing? No, really- I'm serious.

Reminder: Butch and Bellie Breaking the Cycle, Tonight!

"The Rims," Butch and Bellie's bike team for Breaking the Cycle, an AIDS ride to benefit the LGBT center of New York's HIV/AIDS services are performing at The Delancey tonight on the Lower East Side.

They will be sharing the stage with other queer-centric performers while the evening is hosted by gender-bending, comedienne/comedian Glenn Marla, who was recently featured in Time Out New York's Gay Issue.

Butch & Bellie

Conor and Alex of Butch and Bellie

Last night Eric The Roommate and I went to Glasslands in Brooklyn to hear our friends Conor and Alex perform as their alter egos in the gay rap duo, Butch & Bellie. Butch & Bellie is what happens when two white gay kids from the suburbs spend an entire childhood listening to the Beastie Boys and Run DMC and end up following in their mentor's footsteps.

From the duo's official myspace page:

We are an extremely talented homosexual rap duo - raised in the oppressive suburban enclaves in close proximity to the metropolitan areas known as BALTIMORE and BOSTON. Y'all hear that Alliteration (read: I took prep school vocabulary classes) BL-BL-BL-BL-BL-BL-BL-BLUCK!!!!!! BUTCH & BELLIE. Mad Clever. Mad Gay. HAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!

They're unapologetic, incredibly lewd, campy but most of just good plain musical fun. The show is a hoot! You must ch-ch-check it out. Take a look at the lyrics below. How could you not have fun?



"...Not your average faggots.
Chelsea aint our thing.
We're educated Holly-rated not afraid to sing.
Down with Carrie Bradshaw, yeah it's true,
but you treat us like a Stanford
and you'll end up black and blue.."
(above: Butch & Bellie with guest star Heidi HO in green and their drag fly-girl.)

A Reader Writes

After my Sirius Out Q Radio interview with Signoreli, a reader writes:

I've had AIDS for 17 years - the world has changed radically within that span. When it first appeared that an epidemic was looming, the gay community regarded it as yet another form of homophobia, bigotry and exclusion - it took quite some time for it to become 'real.' But by then, we'd all been touched - branded, eviscerated. The horrifying 'I told you so' shock settled into numbness as we took turns on deathbed watch, the toll mounting. A sense of futility permeated my life, but there was always a task at hand (another appointment to keep) to keep me on some sort of pathway. Me, at 28, strolling thru the nightmare, trying so hard to glimpse a deeper understanding of it all.

There is no long and short of it. AIDS has been institutionalized, turned into an ancillary commodity of the pharmaceutical industry. There is no road back from here. Sorry for the bad news, but we had a window in which to exercise prevention, enough for proof-of-concept, and it was a staggering success. As profound and unprecedented as the communal changing of gears may have been, the crucial momentum has been spent.

I now find myself identifying with wignut extraordinare and Obama nemesis Reverend Wright: the government may not have engineered the virus outright, but to stand by or actively oppose educational efforts that could have stemmed the spread is every bit as evil. He's deliberately adopted the shrill end of the message, forcing it upon the current campaign discussion volume cranked full-blast and has been vilified for it - but his wisdom that the only way to be heard above the manufactured distraction is to scream 'Fire!' in a crowded theatre is on-point. Just as I would do, given media proximity and a pulpit. Just as we did in ACT-UP. There is no message more crucial than sexual responsibility. Yet, is it an issue that can be! placed before the public? Madison Avenue clearly thinks not. My gut will always tell me that I have a moral obligation to force faces to the issue, but my brain clearly sees that tact as diplomatic disaster.

In my opinion (yes, I'm going to qualify) the biggest mistake in prevention was to approach prevention as a marketing problem. You can sell soap, but you can't sell depth of awareness. You can't sell involvement. Television and the media no longer confer any sort of credibility, but rather the opposite: mainstream media trivializes everything it touches. Another war, another three letter acronym - another commercial. Yawn. All you can do it push it away. Engaging in this sort of competition may have short term benefits if you can grab enough eyeballs, but good luck holding them in a world so filled with glittering commodities. I would encourage you to discard the methods of the past; everyone's picked up the modules of ! marketing to self-brand their image upon the world without any seeming awareness of the falseness of it all. (The myspace dilemma.)

So - cynical, heartbroken. Yes I admit it but I still want to find a way to be >relevant.< I think that building community is the task before us. TV and the media are relics of a society that didn't work out all that well. It's time to take it to the soil, start at ground zero, focus on finding ways to permit and encourage personal involvement. The message of prevention is always there (the requisite background of subliminal fear and loathing well established) but rather than exploiting or fetishizing it, invite the fear to confront the light of day. How? How to involve strength, clarity, purpose? Authenticity is a key component in cultivating a model for prevention. Recognition of heart and spirit, of a benevolent humanity that can only fall like rain on a culture so long lost in the desert. Connection is another element - my premise is that all humans seek community and it's hard-wired into our biology. Primates are social - politics are a perversion of that basic need. Channel the biologic imperative.

As far as the generational divide, don't give that myth any power. AIDS is primarily a disease of isolation, pushing you farther away the longer you survive. The oldies don't even talk to one another - much less the young. It's an artifact, not an intent. But, given the chance, whole universes of compassion and understanding are there awaiting release. I've seen death up close, and it is very personal - that's why seeing it on TV is so repellent.

This is something worth chewing on for a long while. I appreciate having received this letter and I thank the author tremendously for his input.

Email Inbox: My Story

I wouldn't be posting this if I didn't feel it was important to share or if I didn't feel it might help others in the same situation.

About a week or so ago I received an email in my inbox entitled: "My Story." I didn't recognize the email address or anything about the sender but upon opening it I knew immediately what is was going to be about. Below is a story of a young man struggling with the idea of coming out who has found my blog and reached out to me to be a sounding board and/or offer advice.

Of course, with his permission, and all names and locations changed, is his and our story:

Dear Eric,

It took me a lot of time and courage to finally send you an e-mail. My name is ---- and since a couple of months, I struggle with mixed and confused feelings. I hear you thinking why does someone e-mail me with his problems who I don’t even know? It is because you don’t know me, I wanted to tell you my story. I hope it isn’t too long, because I never told it to anyone. I want to apologize for my English in advance, because it is not always perfect.

For a couple of months, I have been reading your inputs on Bilerico. A couple of weeks ago, I came across your blog. I read it on one night. Now, I visit it almost daily to see what you are writing about. Your stories as an activist on Bilerico and as a person on your own blog are an enormous support and an inspiration for me, because I sometimes recognize myself in your stories. I want to tell my story to someone, because I don’t know what to do. No one knows I’m gay, no one even thinks it…

My name is ----, I’m 21 years old and I live in ------. When I was 12, I discovered I had feelings for boys. Innocent feelings I thought at first. When I saw a boy on the street I sometimes thought: he is good-looking. After years of doubt I started to think about the meaning of these feelings. Do I only find boys attractive or do I also fall in love with them?

The answer came on my 19^th birthday. I started my studies. There was this boy in another class who was sometimes in our group to follow the same lessons. His name was -----. He was more than just cute. I fell in love with him. Each time we were in the same class, I was so nervous not to say something stupid to him so that I would look bad. One day, a good girlfriend of mine, who was also in my class, told me she fell in love with the same guy. Good friends as we were, she always asked me what to do so he would see her and he would also fall in love with her. She was too shy to tell him the truth. I was a great support for her, she told me but one day, she said to me I didn’t realize what was going through her. My heart was broken, I wanted to scream it out, that I do realize what she was feeling. The only difference between our feelings was that mine were impossible. For months I felt useless and depressed. I didn’t know what to do. When ------ wasn’t interested in me or my friend, I was really depressed and felt lonely all the time. Sometimes I thought: how would it be if I was dead tomorrow? Would people miss me? How would they remember me? My daily life was just an illusion.

My second year in college started. My feelings for men were stronger than ever. Girls were my best friends; boys were something unreachable because I was too shy. The only thing I did was looking for pictures of hot men on the Internet. When my girlfriend asked me to visit her MySpace, I made a profile my own just to look at her pictures. My profile didn’t have any photos or information; I just made it to see her pictures. Last summer I discovered that a lot of people had MySpace. Men, who also had feelings for other men. I wasn’t alone in this world. I surfed through many different profiles every day. Never ever, I dared to contact someone. I was too shy to put a picture of myself on the Internet, with “I’m gay” under it.

Now that I’m in my final year, my feelings have become more intense. All my life, I only had a few couple of good friends. I was bullied a lot, because I was really shy and quiet. Especially in my high school years I became very uncertain about myself. That’s why I’m now really glad I still have four wonderful friends, of which one is the best friend I will ever have. Her name is Lily. Unfortunately, I never found the courage to tell them who I really am, afraid to lose them.

Every day I take the bus to school as a normal guy. I make all of my assignments; I help everyone when it is necessary and try to be friendly to everyone. Last week, we played a game during class. Everyone had to write a note about each other how you feel about them. Most people find me a funny and helpful guy. That day, I cried whole night long. No one knows the truth about my true feelings. Everyone always says: -----, we have to find you a good-looking girlfriend… I never respond, because I don’t know what to say. No one even thinks that I’m gay. This thought is what makes it so hard to come out and tell everyone the truth. My parents are very conservative people and my best friend Lily is Catholic. I’m scared when I will tell them my true feelings; everyone would look different at me for the rest of my life.

I often feel depressed, because I can’t be who and what I’m. I often help people with their problems so that I wouldn’t think about mine. Last summer I worked for whole three months (while 23 days is the maximum according to the law) every single day in a store, just to have different thoughts on my mind. Last Christmas I worked on December 24^th and 31^st from 7 am till 5 pm, just not to feel lonely and depressed.

This is my story until today. I’m glad I could write it down, even if it is for someone who doesn’t know me. I’m completely lost with myself. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to scream on the streets “look at me I’m gay”. I just want to live a life of a normal guy. One side of me has had enough of living in a lie, the other side is too afraid of the truth. Even writing this e-mail cost me a few tears.

Here is my response: I told this person that I'm no professional, that I don't even consider myself to be an "activst." I just care and want my brothers to be healthy, happy and unapologetic. Pieces of this response were snipped for sake of keeping his identity private.

..You're not alone and you even seem to know this yourself. You may be surfing through Myspace and hitting upon men who identify as gay and think to yourself "oh how I wish I could be out like them!" But it is very important, if not most important that you realize everyone has a coming out story and not one of us planned that this would be our lives. That when we were growing up as innocent children it never occurred to us that at some point in our adult life would we have to "come out" and lead the life that follows. It just is- but we've all been there, we've all come out, and it just depends on how YOU choose to do so.

Coming out doesn't mean identifying with the gay community and coming doesn't mean wrapping yourself in a rainbow flag. Coming out doesn't even mean coming out to close friends or family. Coming out just means coming out to yourself, accepting who you are, the good and the bad and taking it from there.

It seems as though you've already accepted the fact that you're gay. That's great- that's a wonderful first step. You've reached out to me and vented your feelings and story to me (a gay man) which is another great step. The next step is exploring life at whatever speed you feel is best for you. This whole process, coming out and coming to terms with yourself is all about YOU. Never, ever, apologize for the way in which you choose to come out. This is about you and your feeling of comfort and security. If you find certain things to be overwhelming and stressful- so be it...Take some time, take some breaths, think about what it is you want to accomplish about your coming out and take it from there. I can't stress enough how much coming out is about YOU and YOU only. You don't have to answer to anybody but yourself. Take your time, do it at your own pace. You'll see sooner or later that it's not as difficult as you may now feel it is.

You're doing the right thing. It's ok for you to be experiencing fear and depression and loneliness. Coming out is a tremendous thing to overcome! Do not EVER sell yourself short. ALWAYS give yourself credit. If there is one thing I want you to feel- it is respect for yourself. You are entitled to a happy and healthy life and if that's what you want, then that is what you shall receive. Keep in mind that you are as important and as worthy as anybody else. You are not doing anything wrong and you are not bad in any way, whatsoever, no matter who says what!

You are going through something that some people will never experience in their life. And I cannot tell you how much this suffering will aid you in the future. It will build you with character and confidence. It may hurt now but it will be something you are going to be fortunate of in the future. In America we have a saying that goes, "What does not kill you, makes you stronger" and that statement rings very true to my experience coming out. I am so happy that I went through such terrifying pain of realizing I am gay at a young age because now I know I can handle most anything. I am prepared and ready to take on all the challenges life may throw at me because when i was just a young teen- I had already felt as though I had seen and experienced the worst. I am a strong man. In health, mind and soul because of this pain. Appreciate it, but also, defeat it.

Go slow. Go at your own pace. Remember, coming out is up to YOU and there is no right or wrong way to go about it. But I can assure you, once you come out, slowly but surely, you will feel better with each day and night that you live from now on. I say go meet that friend you've been chatting with on myspace. You don't have to meet him at a gay event or a club or a bar or anything like that. You can meet for coffee or a walk with no other agenda then talking and getting to know one another. Remember, (I going to say it again) this is about YOU and YOUR comfort, nothing more, nothing less. Do what makes you feel comfortable, happy, prideful and relaxed.

And I will ALWAYS be here if you ever need me- for anything. PLEASE do not hesitate to contact me in the future.

The Way We Raise Our Gays

Here in America we accept that homosexuality exists but nobody wants to talk about it. If you're gay, it's a "figure it out for yourself" type of thing because there still, even in 2008, seems to be a fear that if you talk about homosexuality you might cause a younger person to be gay. Is anyone willing to admit that this silence might be damaging? Is this really how we want to raise our kids -- in a world of denial and make-believe where questions disappear if you ignore them?

For instance: Kids are coming out at younger and younger ages these days. However, in this country by the time a child has the ability to look, listen and learn they've already discovered how our nation treats and accepts those who are gay: not well. I am sure there are many parents out there who are supportive of their child and the lifestyles they lead- wonderful, but a far greater majority casually sling around the word fag, trickling down to kids on the playground, teach boys that to be a "man" you play sports, know what competition is and certainly don't cry. There is no room for sensitivity for the American male child.

We all know how the religious right and conservatives feel about homosexuality. That it's an indecent, immoral and sinful way to be or live. There's no room for fags in sports and if you are gay, you better keep your mouth shut about it! Hell, one of our stay at home moms just said, in response to gay-marriage, "This lifestyle is devastating to those in it and devastating to those around them. In every other area, we work to prevent unhealthy behavior, not sanction it with the force of law.”

Great- so let's apply this to the 12, 13, 14, or 15 year old kid who is realizing they have same-sex attraction. Not only do they have to battle themselves and the realization they are not like the majority of their peers but then they battle the idea of identity themselves. We have authority figures telling us that what we're feeling is wrong, bad and sinful. By the time this youth comes out and forms an identity he/she already has a tremendous amount of baggage when all the other youths are simply living their lives to no abandon.

If a child is particularly beaten down- by their church, their parents, their school or their peers when they come out the baggage is that much heavier. As they approach adulthood it would be common and understandable if they carry feelings of worthlessness, self-loathing and general depression. Is this what we want? All you Christians who believe you're speaking FOR Jesus- do you really think Jesus himself would want this? Whole populations of unhealthy, unhappy kids who go on to lead unhappy and unhealthy lives. This is not because we're gay. It's because YOU can't accept it. Wouldn't you suppose this world would be a better place if children were to feel comfortable with who they are and then approach adulthood in that way?

Then, while living adulthood, the gay male and female are regarded as having socially irresponsible lives. All we do is drink, drug, party and have sex, right? We've all heard the rhetoric before. But let's take a look at where gay men and women are allowed to exercise their freedom. There's certainly no public atmosphere where gays and lesbians can congregate out and open, instead there are only nightclubs, bars and other venues which mix booze with our much needed liberation and socialization. Is this OUR fault? Or is it a product of how this nation accepts and treats gay people? Out of sight, out of mind. The drinking age in this nation is 21. In order for a gay youth to meet, mingle and socialize legally he/she would have to wait until they are 21 in order to feel this liberation when their straight peers have been socializing in appropriate and healthy atmospheres all along.

Yes, of course there are organizations and non-profits everywhere allowing safe havens and healthy meeting areas but I'll be honest in saying that when I was a closeted gay teen trying to make my way through the halls of my high school and desperately awaiting the freedom that graduation would offer, going to my local community center to meet other gay and lesbian youths was about as appealing as going to a Hebrew school dance. Lame, cheesy and just not me. Is it any wonder that the Christopher St. kids are hanging on the street, outside of the bars and clubs and not in the "community center?"

If you're straight, religious and/or conservative and think that gay people or the gay community is a mess understand this is YOUR fault, your doing, your upbringing and not ours. We're just trying to be ourselves, getting through life just as you would- yet we have to lug YOUR baggage around as if it were our own. If you keep it up, certain trends are bound to continue, certain trends like...oh, let's just say High School Shootings.

Consume Your Culture

Urban Molecule is live! Writer/Editor/Thinker, Christopher De La Torre, has created a space where fellow writers, artists, photographers and thinkers can exhibit their talent and ask questions urging us to look at the world differently and feel something new. The site begs of us to simply, "consume your culture." Ask questions, share ideas, change perspectives. Urban Molecule promises to be a hub of creative depth, artistic and social networking and a source of unyielding wonderment and curiosity.

Consume. Your. Culture: write, create, blog, produce, photograph

From creator De La Torre:

"Until we ask them, questions are invisible, and progress goes nowhere. Think about molecules. They’re invisible, too, and as the basis of everything in the material world, molecules show us how important invisible can be. That’s why Urban Molecule’s mission is to find those invisible artists — the molecules — whose work makes us ask questions that matter. Urban Molecule is you.

I see Urban Molecule as a community waiting to happen. It's been conceived. Now it's in the oven. As of today it's mainly about unknown artists, but I'm hoping it will grow to include politics, philosophy and the life sciences. Answers are downplayed. This zine is all about questions. Sort of an incubator for new ideas. Open to everyone. A place where the words "smart" and "intellectual" don't have to be so scary.

Urbanmolecule.com is the actual zine - a new issue with new content goes live every three months - while the "consume your culture" blog (urbanmolecule.wordpress.com) is a weekly, sometimes daily thing. THINKTANK, the UM Interview Series, is featured there the first and third Tuesday of every month, and we'll be hosting regular column writers as well. Readers are encouraged to leave comments. UM also has its own gallery at FLICKR -- photos from readings, conceptual art and contributor photoshoots. It's going to be fun.

No Pants! Subway Ride

Where else but NYC?

The wonderful people at Improv Everywhere bring you NYC's 7th annual No Pants! Subway ride!
3PM tomorrow Saturday 1/12/08
Click the above link for details and meeting spot!!

Diggin' this Chick

Def Poetry Jam Poet Marty McConnell who is also part of Declare Yourself, a movement website encouraging young people to vote.