Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Guest Post: Eric the Roommate

Eric the Roommate and I have known one another since we were 10 years old. We went to elementary school, Junior High and High School together. We've lived in Los Angeles together for two years and now New York for close to three. He's the closest thing I've ever had to a brother and low-and-behold he's straight! He's my best friend in the world and he wanted to contribute a little straight perspective to KnuckleCrack.

Also please note that Eric's band, Xylos, was featured in L Magazine as one of the "8 New York City bands you need to hear." Xylos is playing tonight at Mercury Lounge.

Dear Blog,

Hi, I'm Eric the Roommate. You can often spot me strolling the streets of the East Village with KnuckleCrack, en route to brunch or a early-evening cocktail or some other urban locale. And more often than not you would assume that I am the gay one and that KnuckleCrack is your salt-of-the-Earth, flat-tire changing, football-watching, beer-shotgunning butch American straight guy. But alas, you would be mistaken, for it is I, Eric the Roommate, that prefers the ladies (despite the cut-off shorts and wife-beaters I've taken to wearing).

Having lived in close company to one of this city's (and Los Angeles') most loudly growling cubs for over five years, I have learned quite a bit about the gay lifestyle, when it comes to sex (not from firsthand experience, mind you, but rather via KnuckleCrack's sagas of courtship and love).
And, as a straight man, I can say confidently.... I'M JEALOUS!

What am I jealous of, you might ask? I got the good looks (so he tells me.) Sick-tight gym body, check. Loads of money, check (I wish!) Razor-sharp wit... oh yes, my friend. But yes, I am jealous. Jealous of the manner in which gay men can circumvent the hackneyed social conventions of mating and dating and, when appropriate, revel in guilt-free carnal delight. And, as such, I have attempted, on occasion, to try my hand at the "direct approach," which has invariably yielded unsatisfactory results. For some reason unbeknownst to me, girls don't like to be asked, "So, wanna go have sex?" after leaving a bar. And this is what baffles me. Look at two scenarios:

1) It's 2:30am, Maggie (named changed to protect the innocent) and I are leaving the bar after a spontaneous, yet enjoyable hour of flirtatious talking. We get to the corner (very close to my apartment) and I ask, "So, wanna come over and have sex?" And I could tell by her reaction that she wanted to.... but, societal convention prevailed, and she responded, "Sounds fun, but maybe some other time."

2) It's 2:30am, Maggie and I are leaving the bar after a spontaneous, yet enjoyable hour of flirtatious talking. We get to the corner (very close to my apartment) and I ask, "So, want to come over for a glass of wine and to see some photos I took on my recent trip to the Amazonian rain forest?" "Sure!"

Scenario one... failure. Scenario two ends the next morning with French Press coffee, poached eggs, and English muffins.

The lesson? There is none... but if I were gay I wouldn't need to lie about having gone to the Amazonian rain forest. She never even asked to look at the photos anyway!

As KnuckleCrack says, "Be safe/have fun."

-Eric the Roommate

P.S. All the most beautiful men and women in NYC (KnuckleCrack included) will be at the Mercury Lounge tomorrow night to see my band Xylos. It's gonna be a sexy good time... myspace.com/xylos


Outside.Observer said...

What you're jealous of is the thing I dislike the most about being gay in America. I've always wanted to indulge in the social courtship rituals afforded to the straight community, but it's rather difficult to flirt with the cute guy at the local Starbucks or in physics class when you're not sure if he's gay or not. Holding hands while walking down the street is a no-brainer for straight couples, but, for gay couples, while it should be a no-brainer, let's be (pardon the expression) straight with ourselves because we know it's not the same.

In a perfect world (i.e. my dreams), everyone is bisexual and you can flirt with whoever fits your fancy. But that would be too easy, wouldn't it :P

I may be in the minority of gay men when it comes to this, but then again, I may not be. I guess we all just want what we can't have :)

ryan charisma said...

Dear Eric the Roommate,

Ah the afflictions of being a straight, white male while seeking female companionship. Although your observation of the gay "hook up" is pretty much on target. And although men don't need to play the "games" that women do. We certainly have our own games to contend with. There are pros & cons to both sides of this coin.

Women need the little "game" to allow themselves to become sexual, and by "sexual" I mean test drive you for bf/husband material. Gays just want to get laid. With gays there will almost always be no phone #'s exchanged unless the sex was really good, then maybe you'll get an e-mail address (that you'll rarely or never use). With women, well - you said it yourself. The hook up "ends the next morning with French Press coffee, poached eggs, and English muffins." See the difference? I gave my hook ups a fake name, a glass of OJ and a one way metrocard.

As for your first scenario, and I've witnessed this far too many times to be proven completely wrong. Women play drunk, straight guys like a fiddle. They're not not going home with you because you said "sex" - they're not going home with you because they never intended to do anything with you other than allow you to buy them drinks. I've told many friends, many times - she's not going to sleep with you - stop buying her drinks. But they do continue and then they get nothing. (I wonder is there some sort of straight mathematical equation that equals sex based on how many drinks you purchase for a woman?) And then everyone looks at me like "how did you know?" It's not brain surgery. It's watching drunken people while being sober myself. They wear their intentions on their sleeve.

To boil it down straight and gay men go out looking for sex and if a relationship happens, great. Women on the other hand go out looking for a relationship and if sex happens, then they got a man who better call them when he says he will!

I guess if you were bisexual you could have the best of both worlds.

Break a leg with your show tomorrow night!

David said...

Ryan is spot on. Brilliant analysis.

Eric the roommate, you may like the ladies, but can we still get a photo of that sick-tight gym body? Just for research purposes, of course.

And is your band playing at the Murcury Lounge, as KnuckleCrack notes, or the Mercury Lounge, as you note? And more importantly (and less obnoxiously), WHAT TIME???

evilganome said...

I was just discussing with an office friend that as gay men, our most effective pick up line has always been, "So. Ya wanna?"

I feel sorry for my straight brethern, it seems like an awful lot of work, just to get laid.

Knucklecrack said...

Hey David-

YOU'RE a spelling mistake!

ewe said...

Well, that was cute but i do believe you are generalizing (us) just a tad. Not everyone is in their 20s, picking people up in bars and living in the East Village. I do understand your sentiment though. It actually is quite obvious you need and want sexual excitement. Having said that, i happen to know EXACTLY how to get straight guys but that too is something i choose to leave in my past. Too much trouble. Too much energy. Poor you and your willy will have to survive without this gay man. lol Good luck. I hope you get laid so we can hear deeper things in the future from you besides jealousy issues. (So now i know he's straight. Check. yada yada yada.)

Anonymous said...


Also. Listening to your band. Loving it. Gonna see if you guys are playing anywhere when we make our annual visit this winter.